One year ago today I was so remarkably tired, I didn’t recognize myself.
One year ago today I was so deeply wounded, the once bright energy of life had been sucked out of me.
One year ago today, on Valentine’s Day, my heart was so broken, so torn to pieces, that I finally decided to let go.
Then the tears came. I cried at home getting ready for dinner, in the car, at dinner, and even during dessert. The tears came and poured out of me like a busted dam. It was time to move on. And even though that meant time to heal, it also meant scary, new territory.
One year ago today my husband an I decided no more needles, no more pills, no more rushing to the doctor’s office, no more counting down the days to see if the procedure worked- NO MORE. We left the hope of becoming pregnant in the past and with locked eyes decided, over tear-soaked lasagna and wine, that our desire to become parents was bigger than our desire to become pregnant.
One year ago today we decided to adopt.
We knew nothing about adoption, so we started slow. We started with prayer. We read other families’ stories. We watched “gotcha day” videos on YouTube. We visited my cousin and her family in Missouri to see what their life was like with this little, amazing adopted toddler. We read up on laws, and agencies, and different types of adoption.
We slowly, but surly, and finally blissfully began to heal.
Today, by the Grace of God, I am a changed woman. I do regret one single failed fertility treatment. I do not wish that it had been “easy.” I would not go back and do it differently. I would not change a thing.
One year later, this is what I believe: Through my hurt, fear, and broken heart God was painting a beautiful family portrait. His method is different and his paint isn’t the color I thought it would be, but I know it is the most beautiful picture I will ever see, it’s the picture of love. I believe God’s plan has been to bless me, my husband, AND my children all along. They will be blessed because their parents will be stronger, love them deeper, have more patience, and teach them what they believe to be true about this life: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13:7
Simple, really. It turns out all you need to win your battles in life is love.
Happy Valentine’s Day!